


Mituna Calls Dirk a Slur (and he Takes it)

by Ratholomew



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Minor Mituna Captor/Latula Pyrope, Slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:14:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27695393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ratholomew/pseuds/Ratholomew
Summary: A crack ship one-shot I made to run away from all responsibilities in life and indulge some fluffy fantasies.
Relationships: Mituna Captor/Dirk Strider
Kudos: 10





	Mituna Calls Dirk a Slur (and he Takes it)

“HEY WHAT’S THAT????”

Dirk slammed his laptop shut, but it was too late. Mituna had already seen the colorful, marshmallow like cartoon horses on his screen and was now curious as fuck. Pray for the man who even attempts to get in the way of Mituna Captor’s curiosity, for he is but another casualty in the troll’s relentless bat shit craziness.

Dirk groaned. He knew that it was useless to even try, but he had to. Mituna had a loud mouth, and a penchant for not understanding what irony was. If it got out that he, _the_ Dirk Strider, had anything but an ironic interest in such a show like My Little Pony, then that was it. He would be done for, a laughing stock across the entirety of the dream bubbles, and likely even further. 

Ghosts had a knack for gossipping not only to each other, but to the living as well, and he really didn’t want to be responsible for killing an alive Dirk’s social life. He was already pretty dead inside as it was, alive or dead, so there was no reason to add to the ever growing pile of reasons to hate himself.

“What are you talking about?”, Dirk asked in his normal, deadpan, expressionless tone. It was the one he always defaulted to in pretty much any situation, unless something pushed him out of it.

“YOU KNOW THE- THE- THING!!!!” Mituna shouted directly into Dirk’s ear, resulting in an unceremonious ringing sound shooting itself directly inside his skull. It didn’t help that he already had a headache from staring at his laptop screen nearly all day with barely a drop of water in his system. He’ll be god damn _damned_ , though, if he has to budge from his stoic, unmoving persona he’s meticulously kept up for pretty much his entire existence.

Dirk swiveled around in his gamer chair, which Mituna had been holding onto up until that point, which ended up disorienting the troll (a feat that wasn’t very hard to accomplish in the slightest), and sending his ass straight towards the floor. Dirk had been around this guy long enough to know how to react, however, and quickly grabbed Mituna’s hand and pulled him up, saving his ass from a most terrible fate. 

No matter how much force Dirk had used, it was always fated that Mituna was going to fall into him, which is exactly what happened. It’s just how this funky little gold blood rolled, and honestly, it was kind of a fucking mood if Dirk was being honest.

“OOF-”, was Mituna’s only response as his face thudded softly against Dirk’s chest . Luckily for the human, the action didn’t set off Mituna's psionics, which he had had the unfortunate opportunity of experiencing the first time he met the troll after a particular kickflip didn’t go completely as expected. 

It was around the same time Dirk had first died, which made it doubly shocking (pun? intended) considering that he hadn’t even realized that he could still feel physical pain, let alone pain that could manage to fry off bits off of his hair, clothes, crack his shades, and make him white out for a solid thirty seconds. Needless to say being Mituna’s friend was a bit of gamble, but at the very least it wasn’t boring.

“Still dunno what you’re talking about, dude. You’re gonna have to be more specific”

Mituna looked up at Dirk with a salty frown on his face. He didn’t always know what exactly was going on, but he could at least tell that Dirk was avoiding his questions, and it pissed him off. “SHHHHUTHE FFFFUCK UP FAGGOT YOU NOW WH-WHAT I’M TALKING ‘BOUT!”

“Ouch, I’m so hurt. You’ve wounded me, Tuna. How could you do this to me? I thought you were my friend”, Dirk responded with just a hint of emotion. Despite knowing that Mituna couldn’t really pick up on sarcasm very well, if at all, he couldn’t help himself at that moment. A smirk spread across his face as the troll became increasingly frustrated. Mituna sat up and grabbed Dirk by the shoulders and started to shake him as he continued to scream directly into his face.

“STOP SMILING AN’ JUSHHHHOW ME THE FUCKING SHIT YOU ASSHOLE!!!!”

A couple sparks of red and blue began to shoot out from around Mituna’s eyes, and this point Dirk knew it was time to stop messing with him. Dirk knew he had to be careful not to push Mituna too far, for both of their sakes, but something about his overly exaggerated reactions to nearly everything amused Dirk. Sure, it could be annoying sometimes, but for the most part being around Mituna was genuinely enjoyable. It was like talking to Caliborn, just slightly less sexually provocative.

“Alright alright, calm your bone bulge”, Dirk sighed, deciding it was too much effort to keep up his futile attempt at getting Mituna to back off, as he reached behind him to grab his laptop.

Mituna slid down Dirk and onto the ground. His chin rested against Dirk’s knees, a position that probably would have meant something different had it been someone like Jake that was in his place, but as it stood, the only urge Dirk had that moment was to ruffle Mituna’s mop of that fell in front of his face, hiding the scars around the troll’s eyes.

“Here, look”, Dirk turned around his laptop to show Mituna that he had Rainbow Dash pulled up on google images. Mituna oohed at the colors being presented to him like it was the first time he had seen them before in his life.

“That’s all it is, just a rainbow horse, obviously the best kind of horse”, he said matter-of-factly. “Anyways, that’s all I was looking at, can we move on-”

“NOOOOOO I WANNA SEEM MORE! SHH- SHHOW ME SHOW ME!!!!”

Mituna climbed up off of the floor and attempted to sit next to Dirk in his chair, but despite them both being basically twinks (Dirk was a little more of twunk, but you get my drift), all that happened was Dirk getting pushed to the side and Mituna trying, unsuccessfully, to shove himself in the small space between Dirk and the armrest.

“Calm down dude-”, Dirk half groaned, half chuckled. He wrapped his arms around Mituna’s midsection and stood up. For a split second Mituna panicked, but quickly calmed down once he realized what was happening. Mituna had been successfully draped over Dirk’s shoulder with, luckily, little fuss. “You can see more of her in just a sec.”

Latula had informed Dirk that Mituna wasn't exactly fond of being touched by other people, especially without warning, and had even accidentally shocked her the first few times she tried to wrap an arm around him after his accident. However, there had been a few occasions where Dirk had needed to pick him up, such as when he would continuously fall over onto the ground throughout the day from tripping over his own two feet (and he would complain about his arm hurting if he tried pulling him up by his arms). 

The first time he had tried to pick him up from under his armpits, which resulted in his hair turning from a bright, bleach blonde to a crispy, burnt chestnut. The second time he had tried from behind, which resulted in a bloody, broken nose, and a stained T-shirt. 

By the third time, he had finally learned his lesson, and picked him up the “correct” way, which Mituna only responded to by falling limp across his shoulder and with a bit of giggling. He wasn’t exactly sure why _that_ specifically was the only way he could pick him up, but if he had to guess, it had something to do with the blood rushing to his head.

Dirk was careful not to pull Mituna too fast off of his shoulder, and sat the troll down on his mattress. He flopped next to him after grabbing his laptop, the screen of which was still a wall of blue bodies and rainbow hair. Mituna leaned against Dirk and started scrolling, clicking on random images he thought were appealing.

“Okay, so this is Rainbow Dash. She’s the best goddamn pony in all of Equestria, and if anyone tries to tell you otherwise then they clearly have a few screws loose- and that’s porn. I have no idea how you managed to get to that in less in ten seconds.”

Dirk held his laptop up and away from Mituna’s vision. Mituna, of course, went to grab it back, but was met with the palm of Dirk’s hand in his face, pushing him onto his back and on the mattress.

“AW COME OOOOOON!!”, Mituna whined, hitting his fists against the bed and stomping his feet on the ground

“Nah man. As much as I love RD I can’t have your introduction to her being pony hentai. That’s at least tier 7, and we’re barely on tier one right now.”

“FUCKIN CUCK GIVE IT BACK!!”

Dirk had to keep himself from bursting out into laughter. What he said wasn’t even that funny, but the fact that he sounded so genuinely desperate delighted him to no end. Honestly, he wished he had met Mituna before he had died. He cleared his throat and continued his tirade.

“Listen, you’re lucky I’m even showing this to you right now. This is sacred knowledge I’m showing you and you have the gall to shit all over it like it’s nothing. One of the biggest taboos when approaching the subject of ponies is to immediately start off with the porn.”

“EHHHHHHHH”

“If you _really_ wanna look at that stuff, do it with Latula later, not with me. As much as I like you I’m not gonna have you get horny over this shit in my dream bubble.”

“WHEN ARE YOU GONNA SHUT UP?”

“When someone finally has the balls to kill me themselves.”

As if on cue, Mituna leapt up and lunged at Dirk, clearly reaching for his laptop. Dirk obviously did the sensible thing and tossed the fucker (the laptop, not Mituna) across the room. It hit the wall with a loud thud and a crack, and fell down to the ground with all the grace of a trained dumbass. It was finally dead. (Honestly he probably should have done this to begin with)

Mituna hissed at Dirk and kicked him in his chest in retaliation, but all that really did was make Dirk fall onto _his_ back. 

“WHA WAZZAT FOR????”

“For your own good. I had to save you bro. You were going in too deep too fast. You gotta take things nice and slow before you get into shit like that”

“I DUN CARE YOU’RE A FUCKIN CUCK ASS WHORE BITCH AND YOU SUCK HUMAN DICK”

“I mean you’re not wrong”

“SHUT UP SLUT”

Mituna grabbed a pillow and shoved it into Dirk’s face before curling up in a loose blanket lying on the bed. There was a point in time when Dirk’s bed _was_ a bit more organized, but he had long since given up on that, partly because he couldn’t really be bothered to, but mostly because Mituna made it way too difficult to keep literally anything in order.

Dirk took off his shades and set them on the nightstand next to his bed. He sighed, glad Mituna’s only interest in the ponies was porn, and not exposing him for being a huge ass brony nerd. Of course, he _totally_ knew that this would be the outcome at the beginning of this whole thing. That’s just how far he plans ahead, and it definitely wasn’t because of pure dumb luck, and if you say otherwise you’re a fucking liar.

Dirk kept the lamp on his nightstand on, Mituna would complain about it being too dark otherwise, and covered his exposed eyes with one of his arms, completely encasing his vision in darkness. Despite Mituna never announcing when he wanted to sleep verbally, he almost always fell asleep around the same time any time he stayed over at Dirk’s corner of the dream bubble, and for that, he was glad. Mituna might be one chaotic motherfucker sometimes, but at the very least he was able to keep Dirk on a somewhat decent sleep schedule.

He had almost drifted off into unconsciousness when he felt a warm body press up against his. Dirk lifted his arm up and peeked at Mituna next to him, arms and legs sprawled over his own body. He gave a small smile, patting Mituna’s hair a bit, before leaning back against his pillow, falling into a deep, comfortable sleep.


End file.
